


Cry Pretty

by SmallTownBigDreams



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks in Tessa's life starting in 2002, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 22:04:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17455115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmallTownBigDreams/pseuds/SmallTownBigDreams
Summary: I'm sorry, but I'm just a girlNot usually the kind to show my heart to the worldI'm pretty good at keeping it togetherI hold my composure, for worse or for betterSo I apologize if you don't like what you seeBut sometimes my emotions get the best of meAnd falling apart is as human as it getsYou can't hide it, you can't fight what the truth isYou can pretty lie and say it's okayYou can pretty smile and just walk awayPretty much fake your way through anythingBut you can't cry prettyOh no, you can’t dress it up in lace or rhinestonesIt don't matter if you're in a crowd or home all aloneYeah, it's all the same when you're looking in the mirrorA picture of pain, so let it flow like a riverORMoments in Tessa's life that have caused tears





	Cry Pretty

**Author's Note:**

> This series will start off in October 2002, looking back at snapshots of Tessa's life, inspired by Carrie Underwood's song "Cry Pretty"

 

 

**October 2002**

Tessa stood at the entrance to the school cafeteria. She looked around the busy space and could probably count on one hand the amount of people in the room who knew her name. None of them waived her over and she wasn't feeling bold enough to ask to join them. Not that there were any free chairs at their table anyways. She admitted defeat once again (this was happening five days a week, so what was one more time). She turned quickly and gracefully on the ball of her foot, her sneaker squeaking a fraction too loud. She hoped no one would notice her exit, although they probably didn’t even notice her standing alone to begin with. She had skipped grade eight and was new to the school because of skating and she felt this transition was harder than it needed to be.

She walked quickly back to her locker and grabbed the novel she had started yesterday during her lunch break. She had already finished her required reading for English class, plus the next book on the list, so she was indulging in something of her own choosing; _Atonement_. It wasn’t her usual choice of mystery or comedy, but it was something an _adult_ would choose, she justified to herself. Jordan had already read it and told Tessa she was probably too young to read it, but she was almost thirteen and a half, hardly _young_ in her mind. Besides, if anyone, especially her older sister, told her she couldn't do something, she damned well was going to prove them wrong.

Yesterday she had to put her bookmark in just at the part where Briony walked in on Robbie and Cecilia having sex in the library. _The family’s library of all places!_ Her freckled face had gone so red that she was glad she was sitting alone outside under a tree where no one could see her reaction to the novel she _was_ maybe a bit too young to be reading but she _was_ in high school now. She had moved away from home and was billeting. She felt she was practically an adult.

She was about to exit the building to sit outside again but it was raining. Not just a light drizzle, a full on downpour. She had the shittiest luck sometimes. Like how her lunch period wasn't at the same time as Scott's. Didn't the school understand that they skated together and were both new here and maybe they both would have trouble making new friends right away? Didn't they care? _Probably not_ , she thought as she slid her body down the hallway wall next to the front entrance of the school. She looked into her lunch bag, knowing exactly what was in it because she had packed it herself, but sighed at the contents anyways. She didn't know why she expected it to be any different, but every day she was slightly disappointed nonetheless. Maybe one day her peanut butter and apple slices would magically become a piece of vegetarian pizza and her non-fat yogurt would be an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and her celery sticks and hummus would be a big fat slice of her Nonee's homemade apple pie. But she had aspirations, and greatness comes at a price. She could forgo having lots of new friends and the food she would rather be eating because she was _good_. They were _good._ They were good enough to move away from home and win medals. She believed they were good enough to move up to juniors this season, maybe they would make it to seniors one day. Scott dreamt bigger than her though, he had told her last week that they could go to the Olympics one day. She had scoffed and told him _yeah, as spectators._  

Scott was thinking of 2006 in Turin, or for sure 2010, wherever that would be. He had been excited that Vancouver made it to the shortlist two months ago, and having the winter Olympics on home soil would be fun to attend, although she doubted they would ever compete at _that_ level. Besides, anything could happen between now and 2006. Maybe she wouldn't want to skate anymore by then. Maybe she would have a new partner by then. Maybe she would continue on with singles if Scott found a new partner; someone better than her. She _was_ improving at singles; she was almost landing her double axels consistently and was working on her triple jumps. Scott would probably go to the Olympics though; he was good enough. _I’m just mediocre_ , she thought as she opened up her book, re-reading the sex scene because _oh my God, in a library? Well, hardly a school or public library, but still in front of books._ She blushed again.

The bell rang, forcing her nose out of the book. She quickly put her bookmark in to mark her place and gathered up her empty lunch containers, shoving them back into her bag before scurrying off to her locker. She had hoped she would see Scott, his locker was right next to hers. Maybe _some_ things were not so bad about this school.

She sighed out loud when she saw he wasn't there, he was probably goofing around with Andrew Poje or maybe he found himself some new friends to hang out with, she grumped to herself. She wished she could be a little more like Scott and a little less like herself some days. She wished she didn’t like pizza and desserts so much. It wasn’t fair that Scott didn’t like those things and he wasn’t the one who had to be so concerned with his body image. She wished she could be more boisterous and confident around other people. She wished she could be less of a wall flower in new situations. She knew she could work on those things, _and she was_. Really, she _was_ trying, but some things she couldn’t really change, not yet anyways. She hated her freckles (she bemoaned her Irish heritage at length to her mother), she hated her nose (she griped to her dad about how she inherited the bumpiest nose out of her siblings), and she hated how she was still missing teeth that had yet to grow in and how her breasts were still nearly non-existent (she complained to Jordan about those things because she felt she could sympathize the most as she had just gone through these same growing pains). Tessa was just so tiny and irritated that her body grew things so slowly. Except her nose and freckles, those grew faster than necessary.

She hung around after school, waiting for Scott. She was supposed to help him with his math homework again. He was always late, but today he didn’t show up at all. Maybe he had found himself a girlfriend, she thought to herself as she kicked around a little rock on the sidewalk. She had to call three people before she found someone able to pick her up early and drive her home. Not her real home mind you, just her billet home. That night she cried into her pillow as quietly as she could, she didn’t want to wake up Becky her host mother, or Bronwyn the other ice dancer boarding with her in Waterloo. She was three years older than Tessa and a pseudo big sister, but Tessa was trying to act grown up and not thirteen. It wasn’t just a trickle of tears; it was a full on river that night. She felt so alone and she wished greatness didn’t have to come at such a big price. She wanted to be at home in her own bed or maybe cuddled up between her mom and dad in their bed or even tucked beside Jordan in her bed. It had been so long since she and Jordan had spent any _decent_ time together. Tessa was only home on weekends and Jordan was seventeen and at the age where she didn’t always have enough time for her baby sister.

She cried harder when she thought of the characters in the book she was reading before bed. She had brought it home from her locker and read an hour past her bedtime, under the covers with a flashlight. It was just getting to the part where Briony was comforting the injured French soldier, Luc, as he was on his deathbed and she told him she loved him. He was just a boy far away from his family and she was providing comfort to him. Tessa felt this resonated a little too much with her and she had to stop reading for the night.

She finally felt she was out of tears and forced herself to stop crying because her pillow was already quite wet and if she cried anymore she would need to get a fresh pillowcase from the linen closet in the hallway. If she did that, Duffy would certainly hear her and bark at her and she couldn’t have the family’s dog waking everyone up on account of her inability to be the adult she wanted to be. She tried to think of happier thoughts; she and Scott were going to Sectionals next month. It was in Waterloo so her whole family would be there, even Nonee. Tessa closed her eyes and tried to visualize flying around on the ice with Scott. Maybe they would medal next month, maybe one day they could be like Shae-Lynn and Victor or Marie-France and Patrice. Maybe. But first she needed to sleep because she had to be up early for practice and mornings were hard enough.

 

 


End file.
